By Brian Hill and Dee Power
Since Fall is back to school time, we
thought we’d present some courses that should be taught in business school.
Management 501 -- The Theory and Practice of Working With
Obnoxious People.
Learn the personality types to watch out for when you take a
new job—The Blowhard, the Backstabber, the Lech and the Liar.
Study effective coping strategies that, for the most part, do
not involve bloodshed.
Macroeconomics 2004 -- Taking Credit for An Improving Economy.
Analyze the advanced techniques by incumbents to make certain
the national economy peaks in time for the November elections.
How fiscal & monetary policy are used to moderate the business
cycle. And learn how pigs fly.
Accounting 501 -- Tax Camp For Freshman.
Students visit lovely Camp Ficafuta where they have an
immersive two-week experience in learning how to fill out the
250 or so tax forms now required of all small businesses.
Management 123 -- Coping With the Clueless.
Learn to work cooperatively with mentally challenges colleagues.
How to conduct an entire conversation with one syllable words.
Recognize the signs of eyes glazing over in a meeting. How to
communicate with hand signals when necessary. Finding out that
you don’t need orange hair and floppy shoes to be a Bozo.
Marketing Lab 101 -- The Theory and Practice of Being Rejected
in Sales.
Eager young stock broker trainees are plunged into the world of
cold calling. The lab meets from 2:00-4:00 each Thursday, or until
half the class in tears. Students are required to bring Prozac and
at least one change of underwear. This is well known as the toughest
elective class available. Prof. M. Ditka.
Management 8:45 Fundamentals of Overtime.
Dr. S. Legree. Students learn how to apologize to their spouse
for missing dinner four nights in a row. How to concentrate on
their computer while the night crew is running the vacuum. How to
determine which convenience stores are safe to shop at after
midnight.
Business Law 101 -- Lawyers are People, Too.
Aspiring entrepreneurs learn the subtle differences between a $200
an hour lawyer and a $500 one. Why female attorneys don’t wear
make-up. The meaning of the secret handshake your lawyer gives
the opposing one before a meeting. Why a lawyer’s office is always
nicer than yours.
Real Estate 501 -- Obtaining a Bank Loan to Start Your Business.
This is taught by the real estate department because if you don’t
put up your house as collateral, you ain’t getting no loan buddy.
Finance 555 -- How to Be a Venture Capitalist.
Young financiers learn the art of printing out large numbers of
form letter rejections from their laptops while they are at a two
-hour lunch. Methods of recycling old, unread business plans
into festive holiday packing material. Choosing a secretary who
can say, “I’m sorry, he’s in a meeting.” 256 times a day and
still sound marginally convincing.
Finance 50210 -- The Art of Appearing Rich On a Limited Budget.
How to lease a Lexus one evening at a time. Shopping the Stafford
College at J.C. Penney. Painting Platinum enamel over your starter
American Express Card. Ordering wine for your boss in a restaurant
without puzzling over how long it takes the French guy to get the
screw-top off the bottle.
Finance 459 -- Fantasy Financial Forecasting.
Baby budgeters learn the similarities between a planning session
and a Mad Hatter’s Tea Party. How choosing a fancy spreadsheet
software program can add credibility to even the most ridiculous
numbers. Why the hockey stick approach nearly always works.
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